Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Randomize