nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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