My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
