I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
