Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
