The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
i need to put some appletini on your dick
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
