i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
