you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
