I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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