The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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