but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize
