I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
porn star boner night. come get it.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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