he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
