I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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