shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
