Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
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