Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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