Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize