Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
