Your mouth is God's brothel.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
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