apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Girls should come with a carfax report
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
