The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
