I cannot find my penis.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
My vagina just recognized that song.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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