The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
