I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
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