So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
my penis made a compromise with my morals
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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