i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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