you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
