Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
