i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
