an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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