so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Randomize
