it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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