Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Someone came in the potted fern
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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