you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
