I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Sext me about skeletons
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize