dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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