I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
