i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
