I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Randomize
