Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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