So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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