She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
