They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
