We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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