pop tarts are not kleenex
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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