Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
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