it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Are my feet made of real feet?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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