wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
did i just pee glitter
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
