My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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