Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Sober January is a disaster.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Randomize