Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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