She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize