This girl is more easily done than said...
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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