Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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