I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
