Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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