She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
