Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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