you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
