alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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