my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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