The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize