He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
