I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
i drank out of a bidet.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
