Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
