It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i just sent this text using only my big toe
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
