BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
