Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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