you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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