I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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