During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
