Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
