I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
