someone threw a dead crab at me
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
