The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
