never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
