mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
