I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
