She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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